aaaaahhhh

oh my fucking god!







my hair is thinning






D:

I LOVE POLYVORE

i've been a polyvore for a couple years, but i've never had a chance to show them off. also, i took a break like all year long (eff school) and forgot my password D: but i've made a new login-thing and am happily voring all the livelong day. some of my new vores are as follows:

this is inspired by nine's signor contini. i can't help it,
i love daniel day lewis (gangs of new york, anyone?)
and the nine costume artists were amazing, etc, blah.

italia! by gonzaux featuring Rafe New York bags

yeah, polyvore... i will perhaps set up some more here, i wish i was better at cropping.

extraordinary gentlemen and the league thereof

oh my god, i used to love this movie.

now i'm distressed, as i'm slowly realizing that it's terribly shitty. i mean, it's like certain works of art or pieces of clothing: the creative design foundations were brilliant, but the execution was terrible!

• the art direction is awesome'lafd'lajgepi4i4 kd6jb]ju9kmfg
  
• the effects were considerably good
• the design was awesome: the nautilus? and the nautilus car??!!!amazing. etc. it's hard to believe that it was made seven years ago and didn't get as much visual credit as other films (a certain disney epic involving pirates, perhaps) and the concept art shows an interesting flair for macabre victorian motifs/shapes that weren't seen as heavily in the comics.
  

but everything else was awful! THE ACTING WAS SHITTY! for the most part. you could tell that they had good intentions in regards to casting BUT THE ACTING WAS SHITTY! not even teh charming seancon could negate some of the terrible, terrible afdkasjfafdhaeoith scenes.

it seemed to suffer from the curse that doomed watchmen: great book, great intentions, great effects, bad fucking movie. it's really too bad.

my motto is "lower your expectations, and you're bound to enjoy yourself". i can and did enjoy league of extraordinary gentlemen, but today i'm feeling rather critical, so that is that.


in other news: RIVER MONSTERS is one of the best shows ever, and downloading it fills the void in my heart left there when discovery channel stopped running austin stevens.

AAAHHHH

BALLS! FUCK! BALLFUCK! (not literally, much to my dismay)

i am having a morose, questionably unfortunate day. from now back to morning looks like:

-the meringue cookies i made turned out poorly. scorched, even.
-jumping around the kitchen cussing up a storm
-BURNT self on top element while placing meringue cookies back in the oven
-not making meringue properly
-not making cookie part wrong
.
.
.
interval of mediocrity
.
.
.
-still can't see
-go outside wearing welding goggles as a ghetto-rigged solution to light sensitivity
-wake up, get fixed up to go downtown again
-schlep home and sleep
-can't afford glasses anyway
-decide not to get them because sometimes eye damage isn't permanent
-contemplate buying the glasses i was prescribed
-have ten dollars to my name, although i am thankful to bc medical for paying 46 out of the eighty-sort-of dollars
-pay optometrist
-contemplate potential denial of poor sight
-realize that i can't see as well as i thought i could
-rush downtown in disheveled state
-check messages, turns out that i have an appointment at 10:15
-remember that i am on the cancellation list at optometrist
-wake up at 9:00

normally i don't complain like this, but i thought that today was exceptionally dull and sporadically interspersed with particularly shitty happenings.

oh well.

life's a bitch, and then you

fucking deal with it, i guess.

i've been dealing with a shitty thyroid for the past year. it was literally driving me crazy. a complete absence of energy left me sometimes unable to make it through a two hour class, and often unable to do anything other than spend hours lying on the floor, not moving. the imbalanced TH3 count did unfair and devious things to my mind, causing crippling anxiety and depression, terrible phobic reaction to textures and concepts (mutated vegetables, like double strawberries, was one of them). boy, was it shitty!

my six beta blockers a day, designed to slow the heart rate and help with blood pressure and migraines, have already done wonders for anxiety and panic attacks, but there's still a huge way to go before i can get back to where i can function, work and focus.

i mean, there was a while when i wallowed in self pity, but i realized that it was dumb and started to figure out ways to deal:

• music: instead of just laying on the ground feeling shitty, i busted out the headphones and listened to one side of a favourite record. zoning out to something is better than thinking about nothing, especially if it is hard to focus or move, etc. also, i've been playing a lot of music and re-discovering the piano.
  
• smoking: not smoking, but quitting. i hate not smoking, and deeply enjoy being around smokers and vicariously indulging. sometimes vices are meant to be, and i fucking love cigarettes. what i did was quit cold-turkey and replace smoking with fisherman's friends and extra-strength halls sugar-free mentholyptus lozenges. fuck yeah! i feel way better. but i'll still buy a pack of accord red kings when i'm off the propranolol
• catching shows: i've been tolerating local bands as well as long-anticipated favourites. i just big john bates goddamn! that was great. there's a few shows coming up, and o-m-g hank iii is coming to town! it is very exciting. not smoking / drinking can be a bummer at such events, but it's unfair but tolerable
  
• caffeinating: i elimated caffiene. i can't stand it, i am so fucking tired and i love coffee and i feel like a traitor, so decaf is out of the question, but again, i feel way better. but when i'm off the propranolol, i'll go out and buy some huge, indulgent caffeinated frothy beverage. i am salivating right now, i'm not even kidding!
• yoga: i can't cycle, jog, aerobicize or anything, so i've been doing this "morning yoga" c.d. every day (if i can). it's pretty sweet, but i couldn't stand it when i started. zen as fuck.
• baking: since i can't really work, i've been at home baking quiches, cakes, pastries, tortillas, enchiladas, everything. it's calming.
• call of duty modern warfare two: also, i play video games. i re-beat twilight princess in a day, super mario 64 in two, and i'm working my way thru bioshock again. also, i am playing c.o.d. and relentlessly trying to de-noobify myself in the world of fps. it's pretty hard. i swear, if i tried the dreaded world of wowcraft right now, i would be up all night training my dwarf palladin or whatever.
  
• making art. that is all i have to say.
  

so, in all, i can't really complain.

as long as i keep myself distracted. it's pretty alright.

first!

right now, i am re reading a book called the yellow house. it is a narrative account- with great artistic license taken- of vincent van gogh's life in arles, with gaugin, in his yellow house.
reading like a novel, but visible like a play, when i first read the book last summer, i resented the fictional dramatization and the presumption the author took, but he is a good writer. the colour of arles, the zouaves, the odour the turmoil are all beautifully described for all their audacious evocation. you can see the place and the atmosphere.

augment it with dear theo, irving stones near-complete anthology of van gogh's letters to his brother, you can get a picture of the descent into ochres, golds, olives, turquoises and lapses; the man behind the active, electric and iconic works.

van gogh lived very close to his entire thirty-seven years supported financially and emotionally by others. he never held a job, he was a selfish conversationalist. he was stinky and manic and bristling with protruding brows. it is not surprising that he did not have a lot of friends and that he couldn't hold a meaningful relationship and that he did himself in.

but you have to wonder what would have happened if he wasn't largely ignored during his lifetime, that the burden of crippling solitude could have been lifted. i would like to think that, perhaps, we could have been acquaintances. we could bond over colour theory, compulsive behavior, and copious consumption of tabac and cheap wine. although i've never been friends with anyone quite as intolerable and solitary and talkative as myself. perhaps it wouldn't have worked out, it might have been total cancellation