life's a bitch, and then you

fucking deal with it, i guess.

i've been dealing with a shitty thyroid for the past year. it was literally driving me crazy. a complete absence of energy left me sometimes unable to make it through a two hour class, and often unable to do anything other than spend hours lying on the floor, not moving. the imbalanced TH3 count did unfair and devious things to my mind, causing crippling anxiety and depression, terrible phobic reaction to textures and concepts (mutated vegetables, like double strawberries, was one of them). boy, was it shitty!

my six beta blockers a day, designed to slow the heart rate and help with blood pressure and migraines, have already done wonders for anxiety and panic attacks, but there's still a huge way to go before i can get back to where i can function, work and focus.

i mean, there was a while when i wallowed in self pity, but i realized that it was dumb and started to figure out ways to deal:

• music: instead of just laying on the ground feeling shitty, i busted out the headphones and listened to one side of a favourite record. zoning out to something is better than thinking about nothing, especially if it is hard to focus or move, etc. also, i've been playing a lot of music and re-discovering the piano.
  
• smoking: not smoking, but quitting. i hate not smoking, and deeply enjoy being around smokers and vicariously indulging. sometimes vices are meant to be, and i fucking love cigarettes. what i did was quit cold-turkey and replace smoking with fisherman's friends and extra-strength halls sugar-free mentholyptus lozenges. fuck yeah! i feel way better. but i'll still buy a pack of accord red kings when i'm off the propranolol
• catching shows: i've been tolerating local bands as well as long-anticipated favourites. i just big john bates goddamn! that was great. there's a few shows coming up, and o-m-g hank iii is coming to town! it is very exciting. not smoking / drinking can be a bummer at such events, but it's unfair but tolerable
  
• caffeinating: i elimated caffiene. i can't stand it, i am so fucking tired and i love coffee and i feel like a traitor, so decaf is out of the question, but again, i feel way better. but when i'm off the propranolol, i'll go out and buy some huge, indulgent caffeinated frothy beverage. i am salivating right now, i'm not even kidding!
• yoga: i can't cycle, jog, aerobicize or anything, so i've been doing this "morning yoga" c.d. every day (if i can). it's pretty sweet, but i couldn't stand it when i started. zen as fuck.
• baking: since i can't really work, i've been at home baking quiches, cakes, pastries, tortillas, enchiladas, everything. it's calming.
• call of duty modern warfare two: also, i play video games. i re-beat twilight princess in a day, super mario 64 in two, and i'm working my way thru bioshock again. also, i am playing c.o.d. and relentlessly trying to de-noobify myself in the world of fps. it's pretty hard. i swear, if i tried the dreaded world of wowcraft right now, i would be up all night training my dwarf palladin or whatever.
  
• making art. that is all i have to say.
  

so, in all, i can't really complain.

as long as i keep myself distracted. it's pretty alright.